Becoming a mom

Synopsis of labor and delivery

First of all, the labor felt like nothing I had expected. I think it was the way they portray it in shows and movies that threw me off. You know what I mean, when a pregnant woman is just minding her own business and then all the sudden it seems like she was stabbed through the back with a few knives or shot in the stomach with a shotgun and she bends over with a shriek and tells every one she’s in labor!

I was expecting that time stopping, heart wrenching moment where I just KNEW it’s a contraction and I doubled over in pain. Instead, the entire labor up until about 4 or 5 cm meters dilated just felt like I had to make a trip to the john, like my bowels were twisting and pinching and rolling in my back and stomach! I didn’t even know the pain was contractions, I just sat on the toilet for a while and when there was no sign of progress I just laid in bed with my heating pad. It started to feel like maybe more than a case of constipation very quickly, because it started coming in waves.

Another misconception for me was that I could probably have hours in between contractions and when they were far apart I could still go about my life, bake some cookies, pack my hospital bag. NO! Maybe it’s abnormal but right away my contractions were close together, the longest they were apart was maybe ten minutes, so you can imagine I didn’t get much done.

I do have to brag on myself a little though because the doctors and nurses called me an old pro and were surprised it was my first baby. The reason being I showered and applied makeup and labored at home on my birthing ball until I was 4cm dilated, and when I got there I kept refusing medicine and bouncing on my ball until my water broke and I had the epidural.

Of course eventually the contractions did get pretty intense and all I could do was shut my eyes and breath. To be honest though I was almost thankful for the pain, because I couldn’t think about how nervous I was, or what was going on around me. I’m terrified of needles and sometimes faint from their appearance but I swear I was poked with a needle a few hundred times while I was in labor, including one potentially dangerous one to my spine, and I didn’t even bat an eye because the pain of the contractions kept my attention very well!

Even though I was technically in labor for over 13 hours it felt VERY fast to me! Everyone says that giving birth is the ultimate pain, that it’s a 10 on the pain scale! But really the entire process just did not reach my pain expectations until the dreaded forceps came out to play….  I can tell you my epidural had not fully kicked in by the time I was pushing, because I was still moving and kicking my legs to my heart’s content! Of course it seemed like as soon as they were done stitching me up I couldn’t even wiggle a pinkie toe! Just my luck…

 

 

 

BEING A NEW MOM

When they throw that baby on your chest for the first time, you think that child has already obtained every ounce of love you have to offer in your body. When I was pregnant I thought I had reached my max limit of love one person can possess.

But now I’m discovering that every single day I somehow love him more. The max limit just keeps increasing and I can’t stop it. I love him more today than yesterday and it seems impossible but I will love him more tomorrow then today, and more every day for the rest of his life.

It might sound mean but when he first arrived I still just felt like he was a strange creature that had taken over my body and was now going to take over my life. Yes I loved him, but not to the extent I do today. He no longer seems like a little boob sucking wrinkled creature to me. Now he is a part of my heart. He and my husband, in fact,  make up my entire heart!

I know for sure that I would give up my life for either of them, and yet somehow that love keeps growing. Its terrify loving something so fragile so much, but It’s wonderful at the same time, because it changes you for the better.

I was still a little selfish when he first came, wishing I could skip a feeding so that I could get more sleep. But he looked into my eyes since day one with so much trust and faith, there was no doubt in his little mind that I would take care of him. And so that’s when I knew I was going to give up everything so that I could live up to his expectations.

It’s become terrible and hard now that I love him so much, because my heart breaks at the smallest scratch on his cheek or bump on the head. The more my love increases, the more his pain is going to kill me for the rest of our lives.

Don’t feel like something is wrong and don’t feel ashamed if it takes a few hours, even a day or two before you feel such a motherly connection that you cry when your baby has his first shot. You just experienced the most traumatic thing your body will ever feel, and then you’re just entrusted to fully care for this living being. It’s a major life adjustment! Give yourself time and soon you will LOVE that living creature more then you love yourself and everything will be second to his happiness and comfort.

The entire process, from the moment you go into labor to the first week at home with the baby, will feel like you have just participated in the most extreme sport of all time. A combo of volcano climbing, sky diving, bungee jumping, deep sea diving and pretty much everything intense and thrilling ever made. I was still shaking from adrenaline a day after he popped out! And sleep? Forget about it!

That first week or couple of weeks home will feel almost like the end of the world. Every second of your life will be consumed. Everything will feel different, and you WILL struggle to find time for things like bathing and sleeping.

Don’t lose hope. I thought that first week was what the rest of my life was gonna be like. Thank goodness it’s not! It DOES get better. It’s only been 9 weeks and I already feel almost normal again. My life is a new normal, I’m doing the things I love again, like reading and writing and baking but just a little more arranged around someone else’s schedule…

Take a deep breath, things will go back to normal! And please for heaven’s sake do not make yourself sick with worry. I know it feels like it right now, but not everything is your fault and your responsibility! Some things you cannot help, please do not speak badly to yourself or blame yourself! You are doing your best! Your baby needs you to be calm and happy for him!

Every little nightmare you have, every second of sleep lost, every inch of pain in your body is worth it. I know it’s cheesy and cliché, but really, just wait till the first time your baby looks into your eyes with love and trust and even gives a little smile. Your heart will melt and everything will be worth it!