What you’re worth (post about suicide and self harm)

Suicide

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve heard that word a lot lately. Seen it in news feeds and overheard it in conversations.

This is kinda a hard post for me to write… I’m not sure why exactly.

Maybe it hits a little too close to home, maybe it’s because I believe that stories and words have way of bringing life to dead things. Like even though I know these things are behind me the retelling of the pain brings up old feelings, feelings I don’t want brought back up…

When I was a teenager I was strongly possessed by self-harm. And suicide was a pretty daily thought process. When I think about the dark place I was in, I get sick, and even feel scarred. So if your hoping for juicy deets, well I’m not reliving unnescary details.

I wanted to write a post that exposes suicide from a Christian point of view. I want you to know how I overcame it, and hopefully encourage you in your personal life.

I grew up in a Christian home and believed myself to be a Christian my whole life! People who have Christ are supposed to be happy all the time, right? But there I was with an urge to serve into oncoming traffic… a mountain of sleeping pills loaded up in my palm…. a razor that I was compelled to push deeper and deeper into my veins…. And even a cold metal gun held up to my temple as tears, that I couldn’t actually feel, were falling off my cheeks.

I feel like its not uncommon, maybe you haven’t come as close as I have before, or maybe you were pushed even further then me; but I think everyone has had a suicidal thought at least once in their lives.

I actually wasn’t saved, and born again until I was 19 years old. I attended a missionary school in London called YWAM, and that is where I learned what a personal relationship with Christ actually looked like, and FELT like. I decided that salvation was less of the words whispered in a prayer at church and more of a compromise. I choose at that moment when I was 19, in London to give my life over to Christ instead of fighting him for full control.

I just want to share with you the one thing that really helped loosen the grip of suicide and self harm that Satan had on my life. This is not a self-help, to 5 easy steps to freedom from suicide! It’s just my experience.

If you are reading this and you are already born again, then you have probably heard this before. If you haven’t heard this before then I hope and pray it sinks in to your deeply into your spirit. If you have heard it before and you have never let the reality of it grasp you then I urge you to read the next sentence over and over again until it sinks in.

Satan has literally one goal on earth… to STEAL, to KILL, and to DESTROY.

You are probably thinking DUH, right?

But lets make this super personal and say that his goal is to STEAL, KILL and DESTROY, YOUR life, YOU!

He wants more than ANYTHING for you to die before you’ve experienced Christs salvation. The closer you are to learning the truth about that, the harder he will hit you! I’m also pretty sure you’ve heard the old lesson about the battle isn’t physical but its spiritual. Satan has an army waging a spiritual battle against your life CONSTANTLY.

I seriously did not mean for this post to be all preachy at you, but this topic kept coming up in my mind and its something I’m desperate for people to grasp.

Let me start this next paragraph by saying, no life is of greater value then another. BUT there are lives that are more threatening to satan then others… does that make sense?

He wants us all dead. Plain and simple. Weather that’s a physical death or even just a mental, emotion, spiritual death to all things that don’t revolve around yourself.

Somebody looked me in the eyes once and said to me “have you ever considered that Satan wants you dead so badly, BECAUSE you are a powerful spirit that is a threat to HIM.”

*BOOM* mind blown! (or is it just me?)

Maybe, when your feet hit the floor in the morning Satan shakes in his boots! (hehe, satan in boots)   He is constantly terrified that YOU are going to get in the way of his stealing, killing and destroying, that he sends leagues of spiritual armies literally to crush every last breath from your lungs?

He is terrified of YOU.

At the point when I choose Christ as my savior, self-harm was an unwelcomed addiction. The process was hard but I slowly learned of his endless love for me, my self-worth, what a precious gift my life was, and of the fountain of joy that he could provide. Nothing was ever sunshine and rainbows, and nothing ever will be all easy sailing. But there was a change that I felt like never before and I was suddenly compelled to keep my life out of the enemies dirty hands.

Knowing that there is an enemy that wants you gone, and even becoming a Christian is NOT my instant cure for a suicide thought free life! But once I knew for myself the bounty that Satan had on my head, I was far more willing to fight tooth and nail, with the strength of Christ, and constantly pummel the crappy little piece of poop (Satan) into the ground.

I shared my story, I shared THIS story just a few times with people… each time I pleaded and I prayed and I forced myself to talk about things I didn’t want to talk about. and each time I did, a person came to me afterwards, looked me in the eyes, and told me that I had just prevented them from going home and committing suicide.

Through my words, God touched peoples hearts, through my pain, God prevented multiple suicides.

A girl literally handed me a suicide note she planned on leaving for her parents that very night… and I’m like “wow! If I hadn’t experienced this pain, and chosen to talk about it, would she still be alive right now?”

I’m not telling you this for my glory at ALL. In fact in till just this second only two people even knew about that… (and now everyone that reads this knows A LOT) *GULP*

God is the orchestrator of all the beauty that came from the pain.

I have a son. A son who lights up a whole freaking building when he smiles, a son who melts hearts with his kisses and a son who I’m sure will rock the kingdom of heaven hard core and bring Satan to his knees constantly. Im in the process of creating another life, a beautiful, strong, life bringing daughter. Through my words, three people choose to stay alive another day. Through my writing, I encourage my friends and family daily. Through missions I am the hands and feet of Christ, leading people to Gods Love. I will raise my children to be fierce world changers, and I will continue to speak Gods life into people.

Maybe it sounds cocky, but I get it Satan,

YOU WERE RIGHT TO BE AFRAID OF ME

If your currently dealing with suicidal thoughts, Gods sees you. Hes constantly reaching out a hand to, its YOUR choice weather to take it. He wont take anything from you, you aren’t willing to give, God is not a taker and he doesn’t force his will, or his love on anyone. ITS YOUR CHOICE.

Like I said, twice I think, this isn’t an instant fix to suicide. Even if you take the lords hand, you need to fight the enemy off daily to break the thoughts. Its like any addiction, it takes time and work to be rid of it. But on the bright side of things, God will provide you the strength you need to overcome!

Next time the thoughts pop in your head, think about how much worth you have, how powerful you must be, in order for Satan to want your death SO badly! Think about the life that you could bring in the future, even if you don’t mother or father children, your life could save a life. And no matter where you end up, if Christ is with you, he WILL make beauty from ashes.

Should I spank my children?

Should I “spank” my children, is a question that made its self-present to me since before I had a child and even before I was married. I personally grew up in a home with what seemed like a healthy physical discipline but as an adult I still wonder if spanking is right. As a Christian mother I must, of course, turn to the word of God for guidance.

Physical discipline is mention several times as a positive thing in the bible.

Proverbs 13:24 those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them. Proverbs 23:13 don’t fail to discipline your children. The rod of punishment won’t kill them. Proverbs 23:14 physical discipline may save them from death. 2 Samuel 7:14 if he sins, I will correct and discipline him with the rod, like any father would do. Proverbs 22:15 a youngsters heart is filled with foolishness, but physical discipline will drive it far away. Proverbs 29:15 to discipline a child produces wisdom, but a mother is disgraced by an undisciplined child.

I know that the word of the lord encourages physical discipline but I can’t help but be weary of the way it’s carried out. I know that man is slave to their flesh; I know that humans make mistakes all the time. Sometimes we have short tempers and bad attitudes; sometime we act according to our flesh. So when is physical discipline a safe and healthy punishment based on God’s word? And when is it just our impatience and lack of grace with our children getting the best of us?

I believe that the physical discipline God calls us to express to our children MUST be done in wisdom and patients or else it is abusive. If we are walking with Christ, even the punishments that we carry out should match up with the word of God.

Ephesians 4:29 don’t use foul or abusive language; let everything you say be good and helpful so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear. Psalms 11:5 the lord hates those who love violence. Colossians 3:21 fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, lest they become discouraged. Ephesians 4:31 be rid of rage, anger, harsh words and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Ephesians 6:4 do not provoke your children to anger by the way you lead them. Rather bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the lord.

I pray that the discipline I give my child will not be based on my flesh.  I personally believe if you are spanking your child, smacking their fingers, smacking there mouth, hitting there bums, out of anger or a bad temper from your own negative feelings, then it is NO different in their eyes AND the eyes of God, than abusing them.

It’s terrifying to even ADMIT that we are capable of abusing our children! But it is something that we must allow ourselves to know, in order to prevent it from happening. I must always remind myself that I am not a perfect being, an AM capable of harming my children mentally, emotionally, and physically. WE are capable, weather we are aware of it or not, of hurting our children in VERY negative ways. Satan CAN use us as weapons to harm our children’s spirits if we aren’t CONSTANTLY seeking Gods guidance and guarding our hearts and mouths.

I’m afraid that if I spank my child one time because he was testing my patience, that I will never know the healthy limit. When is it appropriate to smack my child across the mouth, or smack their fingers, or hit there butts? When he is disobeying me and back talking me? Arguing with me? If we are disagreeing on a subject or if he’s annoying me? Maybe he’s doing bad things to get my attention? But what if he’s hurting my feelings, not necessarily saying anything bad, just emotionally hurting me, can I smack his mouth then? We can never know when it’s safe, biblical, and appropriate unless we take a step back from the situation and test the crime against Gods commandments EVERY SINGLE TIME!

For me that means, taking a deep breath, making sure that my flesh is calm, saying a quick prayer of guidance, talking to my child about what they did wrong and THEN if I know in my spirit that he stills needs to have serious consequences, then I will take him out of the eyes of the public and spank his butt….

I refuse to spank, smack, or hit my child without calming my flesh down and thinking things through first. I want them to know that we did what we had to do, based on their actions and not based on our feelings or emotions.

Maybe this is completely wrong; maybe it is totally fine to just smack our kids across the mouth the moment something wrong slips out?! But like I said, I am TERRIFIED of putting the wrong spirit into my children. Praying and testing the word of God I have come to the conclusion that God wants us to put a healthy discipline into our children. For my son to have a HEALTHY respect for his mother and father, that is what we want to obtain!

Physically punishing your child without discussing what they did wrong is NOT helping them learn a lesson. Your children may never do that bad thing ever again, but it won’t be out of wisdom and respect, but it will be out of FEAR. God does not want us to put a spirit of fear into our children but a spirit of respect and discipline.

They need to learn from their mistakes. If your child has no idea why he is getting smacked or spanked, then not only are you teaching them to be afraid, but what you’re doing is called abuse. Punishment without explanation is abuse! You need to explain to your child, make it good and clear what it is that they are being punished for, and the reason why it’s wrong. They need to know that if they improve in this area, that they will NOT have a physical punishment to deal with.

I desire for my children to respect us in a positive way, to feel comfortable speaking to us about mistakes they’ve made or sins they’ve committed. I want them to know that there are consequences for their actions, but not in a way that makes them terrified to speak to us. I don’t want them to be well behaved children if it is simply out of fear of being hurt emotionally or physically.

I will never be a perfect parent and I accept that, but I want to try to be the best version of myself that I can be and please the lord the best that I can, for the sake of my husband and children! And when I do make mistakes as a mom, I hope to always be willing to apologize and learn from my mistakes. As I am still seeking Gods clarity and guidance on this subject I would love to hear other opinions and advice on the matter. My son is only four months old so I still have awhile before I need to worry about punishing him, until then I will continue to pray for wisdom!

Reasons to marry young

I’m gonna throw the stats at you for this post, so try not to let your eyes glaze over.

According to the US census, couples are getting married later in life now, more than ever in history! There are all kinds of excuses being thrown around about why people want to get married at an older age, “I want to be in a better financial situation” , “I’m trying to find myself”. Lets get real here people, are we ever going to be satisfied financially? Are we ever truly finished “finding ourselves”?

Some people use the classic excuse “we are just waiting till after college” but, the average US student graduates with $29,400 of student loan debt, and without any guarantees that there degree will get them a well-paid job. DOES THAT SOUND LIKE THE PERFECT TIME TO TIE THE KNOT TO YOU PEOPLE?!

Here are reasons (with some juicy statistics) why getting married at a young age is a great choice!

Memories

Weather its good times or bad times the sooner you decide to get hitched, the more life lessons and memories you get to experience with the person you love! A lot of people my age believe that your 20s should be spent like a wild stallion, free to roam! but I would much rather have someone by my side for this life chapter who will still be around in 50 years… when your 70 years old, who will still be there to reminisce with you about the mistakes and memories you made in your twenty’s?

Happiness

Couples who marry younger are scientifically proven to be happier! That’s right! In a study done at the University of Virginia, unmarried people in their 20s are more likely to suffer from addiction and depression and anxiety then there married counterparts! Maybe they have a void to fill?

As far as general life satisfaction goes, 35% of single men reported being satisfied with life compared to 52% of married men! Likewise, only 33% of single ladies were satisfied compared to the whooping 57% of married ladies!

Younger married couples have more fun

And by fun, I mean SEX. Studies show that 85% of married couples in their early 20s have more frequent more satisfying love making then newly married couples in their late 20s. Hey, it was something created by God to be enjoyed by husband and wife, maybe he favors the young couples 😉

Baby making

Hand in hand with sex is BABIES. Fertility rates start dropping around age 27, they decrease so dramatically that half your egg count is gone by 35! If you want to have a better chance at starting a family you better jump on it sister!

Studies show that woman who have babies at a young age have happier lives with their children! One of the factors being you are healthier and have more energy to nurture your child! Which shows to lead to healthier more successful children!

Lets not forget you will be at a younger age when you child leaves home! When my sweet tater tot is ready to leave the nest I will only be 39! That means I still have enough life left in me to maybe go back to school, travel the world, switch careers, and fall in love with my husband all over again!

Less conflict

People who get married in older ages actually have more conflict then those in younger marriages. Even though divorce rates aren’t greater in older couples, rates do show that even though the marriages last, they are full of more issues and difficulties, causing less satisfaction.

No duh! One of the reasons for this is once you’ve been out on your own, and you’ve established your routines, your habits, and your opinions, it becomes much harder to combine your lifestyle with someone else’s. That’s what marriage is about, combining your lives!

When you get married you become one person. A lot changes in both of your lives. If you are stubborn and stuck in the way you’ve been doing things since you got out of college, and started a career, and lived on your own, then you will more than likely butt heads with your partner about how things should be done!

Both my husband and I lived at home with our parents in till we were married, I know that this made things easier when we started living together  because we both had no clue what we were doing! We didn’t have established routines. We didn’t have a certain way to hang the towels or wash the dishes. We had to learn together and establish things together with neither of our opinions being stronger than the others!

So those are my reason. I know marriage is never easy. There will be problems and hardships weather you marry at 20 or 40! The future shows to be a little brighter for those who marry young, but I think the most important factor is, knowing who God wants you to be with. So if you think you’ve found “the one”, someone that you can’t picture your future without, and you know that you’re better as a team, better in a partnership, then what are you waiting for!? Get married and start building a lifetime of memories together!

Ways to keep falling in love

Ways to keep falling in love

Do you know that feeling, when you first fell in love? Where it feels like your holding your breath whenever you’re away from each other, and if you’re apart for too long you’ll suffocate? When you would give up anything just to freeze any of the moments you spend together, so that it can last just a little longer? When you’re hanging off each other’s every word and touch, because it all feels like heart shaking, voltages of electricity!

I’m not talking about lust here, I’m talking about LOVE. Eventually that intensity dies down to a dull roar, a buzzing in your ear. It used to be that their simple presence alone brightened your day, and now that feeling has gotten lost in the noise of life. It happens; having a strong healthy relationship is hard work! It takes effort to flip that switch from dull roar to heart shaking voltages again!

MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP THE PRIORITY

When a couple gets married they become one flesh, one family, one life. Imagine that your hearts are sewn together, if one side is going in one direction and the other side in the opposite direction, what do you think will happen? It will get ripped in half and it will die! It’s mentioned in the bible how a man should leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife. That means that your job, your mommy and daddy, your siblings and yes even your children, should take a back seat to your marriage!

Don’t think for one second that putting your marriage before your children is selfish! Showing your children that your relationship is strong and healthy and full of love is the #1 thing you can do for them! They need to see and know that nothing will come between you. That will give them a stable foundation for their relationships in the future. So put your marriage first and with time it will feel like falling in love all over again.

CONTROL YOUR TIME, INSTEAD OF LETTING IT CONTROL YOU.

Make time for each other. Set aside a certain amount of time every single day just to enjoy each other’s presence. Make time to talk, to make love, to go on a date, to cuddle (which is scientifically proven to increase your happiness).

When you are together don’t talk about things you have to do tomorrow, events you have to attend, chores you need to get done, don’t look at your phones, don’t look at the clock, just be together! Reminisce about times together, talk about your days and how each of you are feeling, recreate that love you felt for every word that dripped from the other persons lips.

Just set time aside every day to be together. For my husband and I it’s in bed at night or in the shower together (don’t act like you don’t take showers together)! Just knowing that he is making time just to be with you really helps bring that dull buzzing of love in your ear, to a full lightning storm again!

ENCOURAGE AND COMPLIMENT

Nothing puts my husband in a better mood then when I tell him what a great man he is, or what a great job he is doing! Sometimes men just need to know that all the stuff they are doing is appreciated. Men just automatically feel a greater burden to provide and be strong for a woman, and it’s not being sexist, its being the way God created them!

A woman could be making just as much or more money than her man is and working twice as hard, but he will still feel a heavier weight on his shoulders to be the foundation and protection for his family. So make sure he knows he is doing well. Try to remember how much pressure he is under before flipping out about something he DIDN’T do.

If there are men reading this, you need to encourage your women and compliment them! Maybe they are like me and they have a new passion and a new goal in life every single week. Maybe they haven’t found where they belong or exactly what they want to do. I don’t care if you’re sick of hearing what her next big thing is or if she asks you to clean out a room in the house to make it her art studio! You need to tell her it’s a great plan and that she will be amazing at whatever she does and you will support her no matter what!!

PRAYER

Praying as a couple will change your lives! I don’t care if you’re not normally a praying person, this should be your one exception! Not only will it strengthen your relationship with God, but it will strengthen your relationship with each other. Praying about any worries you have, any fears, doubts, hardships, it can be a way of releasing those things from your marriage. Lightening the load and giving it up to God.

It will increase your vulnerability to each other; you should see it has a way of opening your hearts. The more you pray, the easier it will become, until saying a prayer together is just a regular occurrence like brushing your teeth! God will listen and he will bless your marriage.

REMEMBER THAT YOU PICKED EACH OTHER

Love is a choice. I am one of the few people that believe there is no such thing as falling “out of love”. If you are able to dismiss all feelings you ever had for a person then you were never truly in deep genuine unconditional LOVE! Because I know from experience that true love is something you can never stop feeling, even if you wanted to!

Even if that sound of love is so quite that it’s barely a whisper, and even if the time you felt that electric pulse seems like too long ago, you have to remember that you chose each other. That for some reason, at some time you loved this one person more then you loved anyone or anything else on the earth!

Stop telling your self lies like “he/she deserves better” “I’m only holding him/her back”! There is a reason he or she choose to be with you over any other person in the world! The sound of love so loud that it drowned out any other thing except you! You are together for a REASON for a PURPOSE, even if you don’t know what it is yet.

Find new things to love about each other, and remember why you fell in love in the first place. Believe each other when they say I love you. Don’t just hear it with your ears, let it sink into your heart! Accept their love for you!

No relationship is perfect. You can strive for perfection but you will sorely fail. You will fight and hate each other at times, its normal. Kameron and I fight like cats and dogs, but we still feel love as strongly as we did in those first few weeks because it’s something we can’t lose. It’s something that can get smaller and harder to feel, but that’s why we both choose to make it stronger every day. I hope these things are something that help you and your husband or wife continue to fall passionately into love all over again. I would love to hear other ways you keep your love strong or any other opinions you have, so leave a comment, and if you like what you read subscribe!

Ways to fall in love with your life

Ways to fall in love with your life

This post is dedicated to a good friend and a beautiful soul. Rest easy in heaven knowing your life inspired so many!

Samantha Gibson

July 4, 91- Dec 9, 12

“Be in love with your life. Every minute of it.” – Jack Kerouac

GET TO KNOW YOURSELF

The key to loving yourself self is knowing yourself. The world will say you’re someone, but never believe the world. Don’t know yourself, based on the cards life has dealt you. It’s easy to know you’re defensive because of how many times you’ve been hurt in life. That’s not what you need to know! You need to know your soul, the person underneath of life’s hardships. The person you were created to be despite what the world has dealt! What were you like as a child; innocent, trusting, free before you were poisoned with lies? Learn from your experiences in life; don’t let them define who you are. Discover the real you. A you beyond pain.

TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR STORY

You can not go back and write a new beginning, but you can start from where you are now and write a better ending. You are in charge of your life from here on out. Like I said, don’t let situations or experiences in life define you. You are the boss here, and you are strong. Things will not always be easy but they will always be possible. The smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step you take in life. Crawl or tiptoe if you must, whatever you do just take that step!

LOVE YOUR DAY

Right here, right now, take a deep breath and remember the things you are grateful for, think on the things that make you happy, and choose to love your day!

“Happiness is a choice, not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make you happy unless you decide to be happy. Your happiness will not come to you, it will only come FROM you.” –Ralph Marston

 

LET GO OF YOUR HEAVY STUFF

Its something we have all heard before. Let go and let God. He is willing to carry all of our crap. But he won’t take it from you, you have to hand it over. He’s not going to mug you of your burdens; you have to choose to give them up, day after day! Allow yourself to release the heavy stuff and lighten your load, you know you want to! Pick through the junk drawers of your mind and mentally throw away everything you don’t want or need there anymore! I hate to say it but that junk will show up again though, so it has to be a constant ritual. You know why it’s hard to be happy, because we always forget to let go of what makes us sad. In the journey of life, the only way to make traveling easier is to stop carrying the heavy stuff and let your self be free.

EMBRACE YOU BLESSINGS

We all have blessings; we all have things to be grateful for. It doesn’t matter how bad your life seems. There is something in your life that someone else needs, your health, family, a home, a job? Whatever it is, you need to find those things and embrace them! Even the mental process of thinking of things to be grateful for has been scientifically proven to increase happiness! So go searching for the things that you are thankful for, let them fill your heart. “A bad attitude can literally block love, blessings, and destiny from finding you. Don’t be the reason your blessings are few.” –anonymous

HUG YOUR LOVED ONES

We never know what day of this life will be our last, make sure the people you love know it! Hug them, kiss them, spend time with them. Life is too short to leave them guessing, and your life will be better surround by your loved ones. We all know they get on our nerves sometimes, but don’t let that be a defining factor in your relationships. Love with no limits. Also cuddling has been proven to increase mental health, so get yourself some cuddles! 😉

BE THANKFUL FOR EVERYTHING

This goes hand in hand with embracing your blessings. The lord wants us to be thankful even for hardships. I know it sounds crazy but do yourself a favor and remember that everything happens for a reason. Be thankful for the journey even when it’s hard. Be thankful for the rain because it will only bring growth. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and what not…

“Be thankful for what you have and you will always end up with more. Concentrate on what you don’t have and you will never have enough.” – Oprah Winfrey

 

OWN YOUR AWESOMENESS

Once you know who you are, OWN IT. We were all gifted with talents and abilities (truth even if you don’t think so). Don’t let those things go to waste! You are a one of a kind, a master piece, a diamond in the rough, embrace that. Reveal it to the world! Don’t flaunt your talents in pride, but be humble. Own your gifts, your talents, and your personality, with dignity! I know it’s not easy but try to forget what others say about you and remind yourself constantly that you are royalty! Once YOU embrace your awesomeness others will follow!

FORGIVE YOURSELF

Did you ever hear that you have to love yourself before you can give love to someone else? Well it’s the same concept with forgiveness. It’s a human trait to make mistakes. Every single person you will talk to today, or even see has made mistakes, has failed, has fallen! I don’t care what you did; you cannot fail to greatly to be too far from redemption. So why is it that you’re holding onto those past mistakes? It’s damaging your soul more now by holding onto it. Ask yourself for forgiveness, then accept your own apology and move on with your life! If there are people or things in your life that are constantly reminding you of your past mistakes, DITCH THEM. You don’t need that crap. The people and things that are good for you, will help you, accept your past and encourage you to move past it! Accept their love and throw out anything else!

FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES

This is hard, I know, Remember how I said everyone has failed and made mistakes? Once you’ve obtained forgiveness for yourself, give it away to others. Do it for yourself. Fill your heart with forgiveness for your own sake! Don’t let how much someone has hurt you fill your lungs with a cloud of poison. Don’t let your heart grow bitter and cold. Even if there is no apology, clean the anger out of your heart and forgive! It’s not excusing them from their actions, its preventing their choices from destroying your joy!

“Forgive others, not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace.”- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” – Buddha

 

REST YOUR BODY

 

Give yourself time to relax. Mending your heart and falling in love with your life again takes time. Be patient and do something to relax yourself. Let your body enjoy peaceful surroundings and peaceful people. You are not a super human despite what you think! Stop sweating the small stuff! I don’t care what your schedule says or your workout regimen says. Give your body a break once in a while!

 

REST YOU MIND

 

Giving your mind a break is almost more important than resting your body. Your mind, and your thoughts are your fuel! Sit down with a book you love or watch a movie that requires very little thinking and just relax that super organ! Take mental deep breaths and stop over thinking everything! You are only one person. Do whatever it takes to shut your mind off and give yourself a break!

 

PRACTICE YOUR PASSIONS

 

There must be something in your life that you can lose yourself in. Something that inspires you, a pastime or hobby that brings a little bit of sunshine to your days. Doing something with passion is more than excitement and enthusiasm; it’s putting as much of your heart soul and mind into something as humanly possible and loving the work it takes! If you’re like any normal human being, you wait till you’re at your wits end before doing anything for yourself. Well don’t be a normal human! Do what you love every day! Make time for things you love and are passionate about! Paint a picture, write a book, sing your song, and dance your dance. Let your passions be a priority!

“Don’t ask what the world needs you to do, ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” –Howard Thurman

“If you can’t figure out your purpose, figure out your passion. For passion will lead you right into your purpose.” – Bishop T.D Jakes

 

FEED YOUR SOUL

 

Mmmm yes, good ole soul food… Your entire life should be CONSUMED with filling your soul until you have to undue the buttons on your heart pants. Soul food is different for each person, for me it’s all about experiences, trying new things, learning from mistakes, discovering new passions! It could be knowledge, learning something new about life, culture, history, art. Learning about anything might feel like soul food for you. Or travel is a big one I also love, its gaining a new perspective on life, letting the crazy unpredictable winds move you in different directions, Experiencing new sounds, smells, food and cultures of the world.  Soul food can be as small as listening to meaningful music or reading a book full of encouragement. It’s anything that moves or inspires you, anything that enlightens you or makes you a better version of yourself. It comes in lots of yummy forms, just find what you like best and enjoy! No matter how much of this food you get, it will always be good for you!

 

CLEAN THE WOUND AND HEAL

Falling in love with your life again can take time. It will be painful at first. It’s like open heart surgery. Let the pains and burdens, the darkness and un-forgiveness come to the surface. It’s like pulling a bullet out of a gunshot wound, it’s painful but it will help you heal. In fact you can’t heal at all if you’re keeping the bullet inside, or leaving the knife in your flesh. Just pull it out and give your self time to heal. You have been hurt by people you love, you have hurt yourself and dug yourself into a hole. Nothing is going to get better without action. God is the ultimate surgeon and healer. Give him a chance and he won’t only pull out the bullet and patch the hole, HE WILL MAKE YOU NEW.

 

Things to know about a sensitive soul

In a world of harsh words and harsh people, a world of pain and anger, Sensitivity is almost a dead trait.

It’s something I can promise isn’t easy to bare. It’s even more difficult to understand. But the burden would be lighter, if people learned how to identify and handle a sensitive soul. Because Finding a soul like that in a friend, or a family member, or a spouse is like finding a needle in a hay stack.

SENSITIVE IN ARGUMENTS

An argument with a sensitive person runs deeper then it seems. They may appear to explode over something as small as, not putting the lid back on the toothpaste. But in their hearts there is something deeper going on, Anger or pain that they have been bottling up for a long time. It may seem like a small issue to you, but its all the emotion they have been bottling up over time, revealing itself. It could seem like the fight is about the cap off the toothpaste but to a sensitive soul it could feel something like, you’re being inconsiderate or uncaring, just disregarding something he or she needs or wants of you.

FINDING DEEPER MEANING

They tend to be deep. Things always go beyond the surface. It makes them appreciate the little things in life more. Allows them to find meaning in almost anything! They find a deeper meaning in actions, in words. Weather it’s good or bad. They will be content with a simple act of love, like ordering their favorite meal, or getting their favorite flower, it just says that you pay attention and listen to them. They will find a deeper meaning in everything you say, so be careful with your words. A simple slip of the tongue or a small insult can have so much more meaning then you think. It can pierce right into a sensitive persons heart, and can stick with them forever.

SENSITVE TO THE WORLD AROUND THEM

Sensitive people are more aware of things around them. Not physical things necessarily, more emotional, mental, spiritual things. They can sense a two faced person, a person in pain, a shallow person, and even a dead person pretending to be alive from a mile away. If it seems like they are avoiding a certain person or a place, there is probably a good reason for it. Something pulling on their heart strings, or something in there subconscious. A lot of the time sensitive people will not even know what they are doing or why, but just be patient and trusting that there must be a good reason.

SHUT OFF

They may seem shut off or distant around people. It’s just a defense mechanism, a way of guarding their hearts. They can fall in love with anyone, at any time. It’s a dangerous thing. When a sensitive person loves someone, they feel there every pain, every sadness, like it’s happening to them… Every struggle you have, every burden you bare becomes theirs. Loving someone that deeply is a blessing and a curse, it can leave you whole and broken at the same time. Don’t be upset if they seem like they’ve barricaded their hearts. Don’t take it personal if they seem like they are shutting you out. Just be patient and I can guarantee a sensitive person can’t help but love you, no matter how hard they try to shut the feeling off.

 

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

Shutting off goes hand in hand with their unconditional love. Once you have truly obtained the love of a sensitive soul, it can never be lost! You can be thousands of miles away for thousands of years, and that person will still love you. You could walk all over them and treat them terribly, and even though they might put you at a distance, they will still love you. Their sensitivity and love, is sometimes even against their will. They will forgive you, even if they don’t want to. Even if a sensitive person wanted to hate you, it would be impossible. Their love comes with no terms and conditions. It’s just there and will always be there, no matter how much pain it brings the barer.

Even though sometimes difficult to deal with, a sensitive soul is a treasure. Cherish it, buy it books and make it tea. Listen to a sensitive soul and let it soften your heart to deeper things.

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Becoming a mom

Synopsis of labor and delivery

First of all, the labor felt like nothing I had expected. I think it was the way they portray it in shows and movies that threw me off. You know what I mean, when a pregnant woman is just minding her own business and then all the sudden it seems like she was stabbed through the back with a few knives or shot in the stomach with a shotgun and she bends over with a shriek and tells every one she’s in labor!

I was expecting that time stopping, heart wrenching moment where I just KNEW it’s a contraction and I doubled over in pain. Instead, the entire labor up until about 4 or 5 cm meters dilated just felt like I had to make a trip to the john, like my bowels were twisting and pinching and rolling in my back and stomach! I didn’t even know the pain was contractions, I just sat on the toilet for a while and when there was no sign of progress I just laid in bed with my heating pad. It started to feel like maybe more than a case of constipation very quickly, because it started coming in waves.

Another misconception for me was that I could probably have hours in between contractions and when they were far apart I could still go about my life, bake some cookies, pack my hospital bag. NO! Maybe it’s abnormal but right away my contractions were close together, the longest they were apart was maybe ten minutes, so you can imagine I didn’t get much done.

I do have to brag on myself a little though because the doctors and nurses called me an old pro and were surprised it was my first baby. The reason being I showered and applied makeup and labored at home on my birthing ball until I was 4cm dilated, and when I got there I kept refusing medicine and bouncing on my ball until my water broke and I had the epidural.

Of course eventually the contractions did get pretty intense and all I could do was shut my eyes and breath. To be honest though I was almost thankful for the pain, because I couldn’t think about how nervous I was, or what was going on around me. I’m terrified of needles and sometimes faint from their appearance but I swear I was poked with a needle a few hundred times while I was in labor, including one potentially dangerous one to my spine, and I didn’t even bat an eye because the pain of the contractions kept my attention very well!

Even though I was technically in labor for over 13 hours it felt VERY fast to me! Everyone says that giving birth is the ultimate pain, that it’s a 10 on the pain scale! But really the entire process just did not reach my pain expectations until the dreaded forceps came out to play….  I can tell you my epidural had not fully kicked in by the time I was pushing, because I was still moving and kicking my legs to my heart’s content! Of course it seemed like as soon as they were done stitching me up I couldn’t even wiggle a pinkie toe! Just my luck…

 

 

 

BEING A NEW MOM

When they throw that baby on your chest for the first time, you think that child has already obtained every ounce of love you have to offer in your body. When I was pregnant I thought I had reached my max limit of love one person can possess.

But now I’m discovering that every single day I somehow love him more. The max limit just keeps increasing and I can’t stop it. I love him more today than yesterday and it seems impossible but I will love him more tomorrow then today, and more every day for the rest of his life.

It might sound mean but when he first arrived I still just felt like he was a strange creature that had taken over my body and was now going to take over my life. Yes I loved him, but not to the extent I do today. He no longer seems like a little boob sucking wrinkled creature to me. Now he is a part of my heart. He and my husband, in fact,  make up my entire heart!

I know for sure that I would give up my life for either of them, and yet somehow that love keeps growing. Its terrify loving something so fragile so much, but It’s wonderful at the same time, because it changes you for the better.

I was still a little selfish when he first came, wishing I could skip a feeding so that I could get more sleep. But he looked into my eyes since day one with so much trust and faith, there was no doubt in his little mind that I would take care of him. And so that’s when I knew I was going to give up everything so that I could live up to his expectations.

It’s become terrible and hard now that I love him so much, because my heart breaks at the smallest scratch on his cheek or bump on the head. The more my love increases, the more his pain is going to kill me for the rest of our lives.

Don’t feel like something is wrong and don’t feel ashamed if it takes a few hours, even a day or two before you feel such a motherly connection that you cry when your baby has his first shot. You just experienced the most traumatic thing your body will ever feel, and then you’re just entrusted to fully care for this living being. It’s a major life adjustment! Give yourself time and soon you will LOVE that living creature more then you love yourself and everything will be second to his happiness and comfort.

The entire process, from the moment you go into labor to the first week at home with the baby, will feel like you have just participated in the most extreme sport of all time. A combo of volcano climbing, sky diving, bungee jumping, deep sea diving and pretty much everything intense and thrilling ever made. I was still shaking from adrenaline a day after he popped out! And sleep? Forget about it!

That first week or couple of weeks home will feel almost like the end of the world. Every second of your life will be consumed. Everything will feel different, and you WILL struggle to find time for things like bathing and sleeping.

Don’t lose hope. I thought that first week was what the rest of my life was gonna be like. Thank goodness it’s not! It DOES get better. It’s only been 9 weeks and I already feel almost normal again. My life is a new normal, I’m doing the things I love again, like reading and writing and baking but just a little more arranged around someone else’s schedule…

Take a deep breath, things will go back to normal! And please for heaven’s sake do not make yourself sick with worry. I know it feels like it right now, but not everything is your fault and your responsibility! Some things you cannot help, please do not speak badly to yourself or blame yourself! You are doing your best! Your baby needs you to be calm and happy for him!

Every little nightmare you have, every second of sleep lost, every inch of pain in your body is worth it. I know it’s cheesy and cliché, but really, just wait till the first time your baby looks into your eyes with love and trust and even gives a little smile. Your heart will melt and everything will be worth it!

 

I want you to know…

I want my children to know

I don’t expect perfection from them, because I don’t expect perfection from myself

I want to acknowledge that its possible for them to be in pain. Mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and acknowledge that I could possibly be the cause

Teach them to apologize by apologizing to them

That we aren’t perfect, that we make mistakes. That we are nothing greater then they are. That we aren’t necasarly wiser, or smarter, or better then them in anyway, but that God has set us as authority in their lives. We try our hardest to follow gods direction but we are still humans and still sometimes say and do things according to our flesh

They have so much value, their lives have so much value, that they are a precious gift from god and to cherish themselves and there lives

God created them to love and be loved. And that love is a choice

They don’t need to be valued by people to be valued in life.

God doesn’t love them or want them for the deeds they perform. He wants them for their hearts, we were created simply because God was lonely, and needed someone to love. You just have to let him love you.

Kameron and I love them for their hearts and not their deeds

I never want to belittle their pain or problems, they should no that every pain is important to God no matter how small

Its okay to know how to take care of themselves, but God never intended for them to rely on their strength. They should be dependent on him first, even though sometimes it will seem scary. I want them to learn how to out all their trust and faith in him even oif it means being vulnerable

I want them to know that theycan talk to us, they allowed to be in pain and make mistakes, they can talk to us ablut it.

Thst there is nothing to be afraid of, that god is greater and strionger the any darkness in life. But that its ok to be afraid as long as you don’t let it cripple and control you. Having courage is being afraid and knowing that you should move anyway.

Guard their mouths and tame their tongues because words are powerful

We love and care about the things that they love and care about. We want to encourage their hopes and dreams.

I want them to know that god can speak to them in many ways. That if they seek him they will find him. He is a creative and personal god and is not restricted to the church and the bible. He knows their hearts and will speak to them in ways that are best for them to understand, music, nature, books, even movies.

God doesn’t want obedient slaves, he wants love and companionship. He wants to be a friend, a lover.

Sin can be a burden, but god already carried are every burden when he died on the cross. Now our depts. Are paid and they never have to carry the burden of sin. If they are willing to give it to god he will take it.

I wan to be a servant leader, I should only expect from them what I expect from myself

They are loved, and always will be loved.

Having kids makes you old

Having kids makes you old

Maybe by old I mean responsible. But doesn’t responsible, mature, and boring all kind of fit into the same category as old?

When Kameron and I got married our youth level went down maybe a notch, because we were focused on our relationship, our taxes, our jobs, our bills and so of course, we had to grow up a smidge. But from the moment our son popped out of my giblets it feels like Kameron and I aged about 60 years.

I physically feel about 80 years old. The other day I bent down to pick up something from the floor and my knees creaked, SERIOUSLY CREAKED LIKE A RUSTY HINGE! Not to even mention my constant back and neck pain from luggin around a 15lb load every day, the random bruises I find on my body, the fact that I can’t control my own bladder, and that I fall asleep in random places…

If that’s not being old I don’t know what is!

Ideas of a good time before James? Going out, dinner, a movie, finding an adventure, being spontaneous, making out in the back seat of our car.

Idea of a good time now? Ordering Chinese food, lying on the couch with no pants, drinking a cup of tea, and being in bed by 10. And our sex life gets about as hot as jumping in the shower together because we both smell like baby poop. Hot, right?

The other day I was just running through memories in my head and thought about just a summer or two ago, how often I ended up in the water, fully clothed. You know, standing near a body of water and either pushing someone in or getting thrown in. I used to get a thrill out that! It felt fun and made me laugh! It literally happened to me SO many times, (probably because I was okay with it), but I loved it! I have no idea what having a baby has to do with anything, but now I literally CRINGE at the idea of being in a body of water fully clothed! I don’t want skin tight, heavy, wet clothes, I don’t want to go through the hassle of changing  and drying myself off, then taking those clothes home and drying them! What changed? Am I old now or am i just lazy!?

Spontaneity used to be my favorite thing about life! When Kameron wanted to see me smile, he would jump up and take me somewhere random. We would decide at 3 am that we wanted Sheetz, or we would go to the beach even if there was only an hour of daylight left. Now doing anything without a plan makes me feel almost… terrified!

Having a 4 month old MEANS that nothing is going to go the way you planned, and nothing can be controlled! But if we are going out we NEED to have some sort of idea, some sort of game plan. Something as small as “how long will we be gone” can affect our entire outlook! I need to know how many diapers to bring, how many naps James will take while we are out, how many times he will need to be fed, how many spare outfits to pack, and weather we need his stroller (and that’s just when going out for a day)! I wouldn’t change being a mom for the world, but I’m almost positive that are nights of spontaneous trips out at 3 am are gone forever!

The sad part is, that we really wouldn’t WANT to go out at 3am even if we could; yes we do miss our romantic exciting freedom, but now a days we are to cozy and too tired to leave the house at that hour! We prefer our bed over romantic and adventurous…

In the end, age is in the eye of the beholder (or is that beauty?), if you don’t feel old then you’re NOT old! I KNOW 80 year old women that feel younger then me and act younger then me! I think that I’ve aged a great deal in the last two years, since being married and having a baby, but I’m hopeful that one day I will be sitting on the couch and the magical age fairy will just stop by and sprinkle some youth in my body again! Yes, I think with time, I will be young again… (yeah, I know that’s a paradox)

Going all in

Going all in (vulnerability)

The Lord calls us to be many things. Things that he’s already placed in our spirits that he wants us to activate and walk in. God calls us to be vulnerable. He says to be like children and what’s more vulnerable than a child?

The world tends to discourage vulnerability. People seem to think that vulnerability equals weakness.

The definition of the word vulnerability is “capable of being wounded” or “open to damage.” The definition of weakness is “being unable to withstand attack or damage.” From this linguistic perspective, weakness and vulnerability are to very different things!

One thing that many Christians tend to forget is that God wants us to be open to weakness, open to vulnerability. Because when we allow ourselves to become weak and in need, Gods power takes over within us. He becomes the source of our strength. It sounds like a paradox, becoming vulnerable so that we may become strong.

If you ask people what it would mean for them to become vulnerable the answers are often something like this, “telling someone you love them, without knowing if they love you back.” “Taking care of a sick person when you don’t know how long they will be around”. “Stepping up to the plate even though you’ve constantly been striking out”.  “Expressing an opinion or a thought that’s important to you and not knowing how people will respond”. “Trying new things, and doing things that scare you”.

Missionaries are vulnerable. Leaving behind all of life’s familiarities, food, language, and people. Leaving the comfort of home and jumping off the edge of a cliff and hoping that they will fly!

Do any of those above things sound like a weakness to you? How could taking care of the sick, falling in love, taking a chance and giving your all, be a weakness? Vulnerability sounds like truth and love and feels like courage. Love, truth and courage aren’t always easy and comfortable, but they’re never WEAKNESS.

The Lord calls us to love! It is his greatest commandment! Love is dangerous, messy and scary. It’s exposing you to damage on the highest level. Waking up totally ion love with a person every day, not being able to prevent anything bad from happening to them, not being able to guarantee that they’ll love us back, not being sure that they will be loyal for life, or just for a day. Love is giving your all for someone who has hurt you in the past. Even with the potential of being hurt you open your heart to them, smother them with kindness no matter how cruel they have been. Love is having a child. You wish nothing but joy and safety for their life, but you can’t always protect them, can’t always make sure they are safe and happy.

The lord calls us to compassion! We cannot accomplish compassion without vulnerability. The definition of compassion is this (Anglo- French) Com-“together, with” Passion- “suffers”. The literal definition of compassion is to SUFFER WITH. To achieve true compassion we must literally allow ourselves to be in pain. You cannot suffer with someone without opening yourself up damage, or being capable of being wounded (vulnerability).

Why do we love seeing raw truth and openness in other people but are afraid to let others see it in us? Is it because we are afraid that our truth isn’t enough, that what we have to offer to people, to god, isn’t good enough?

“When we were children, we used to think growing up would mean no longer being vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable.” – Madeline l, Engle

When we become totally exposed, willing to be damaged, caught in the torture of uncertainty, one thing stands above the rest. Only one thing becomes certain when we are exposed. And that is Christ’s strength and his ability to make something great out of nothing. Its life’s ultimate dare, Its God calling you out and saying, “are you willing to go all in for me”? Accomplishing that kind of vulnerability in your life is not a weakness, it’s strength. Activate the love, faith and courage that god has placed in you and let your self be vulnerable.